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My cat is hopping from one narrow windowsill to another with all the grace of a wombat. I’m peeking out of my ground floor bay window, anticipating the arrival of the two Jehovah’s Witnesses in their cream coloured macs at my door, although they seem to have disappeared somewhere towards the bottom of the street. Perhaps some diligent neighbour has cast them into the Water of Leith to be eaten alive by midgies.

If I hear the phrase ‘Swine Flu’ one more time…

The only killer virus sweeping the world at the moment is the dubious entity that calls itself ‘News’. It spreads with alarming speed and infects entire populations in the time it takes to click on a news story hyperlink. You click the mouse button, read the words and, despite your cynical mind rubbishing the blatant panic-mongering, a tiny particle of that mind-virus finds its way into the back of your thoughts and slowly eats away at your logic. Before long you are entertaining scenarios of living in the cellar and hoarding cans of baked beans and bottled water.

The Jehovah’s Witnesses came and were sent on their way. They thoroughly freaked out my cat, who came scuttling into the house growling. I’m guessing he doesn’t want a copy of the Watchtower…